Jesus Loves Me This I Know...

I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for your kind words, encouragement, prayers and continued acceptance of me during these depressing days. I really do have so many awesome people in my life. I really appreciate the words and prayers.

Today is a better day.
The hurt is still there.
The numbness still lingers.

But my mood isn't so dark.

I'm certain it will be up and down for a while. My blog feels like it is all over the place lately... hey, look at these pictures!, let me share a happy time with the kids, mylifesucks, hey! here are more happy pictures! That's my life at the moment.Very roller-coaster-ish... and I hate roller-coasters!

I also want to let you all know that I am not questioning who God is. This morning I was getting ready and the song Jesus Loves Me popped in my head.... this I know, for the Bible tells me so. And that's that. Jesus loves me. The Bible says so and the Bible is all true and therefore I believe it... and I do know it. And I know he has great plans for me... those plans are just hard to see right now.

I know that something great will come out of this valley. I've been saying that to Mike even as I realized I was slipping off the edge of the cliff. But that doesn't make this time any easier.

And so while I run at God with fists swinging some days...
While I ask my angry questions...
While I often sit here with nothing to say to Him...

He still loves me.
He never leaves me.
He lets me get it all out.

Too often in my life I have been told I am too much... but that is never something that God has said to me. He can handle me and my crazy emotions. (Not that I don't need to work some of those crazy emotions out... He just isn't going to run from them like so many people have.) When I run at him swinging he grabs me up in a bear hug and holds me as I release it all.

He tells me again he loves me.
He tells me he is so sorry that I am hurting.
And then he just sits with me in the quiet... just being there.
My constant.
My rock.

The prayer that sits in my heart today is "revive me."

Revive means to return to life, consciousness, vigor, strength, or a flourishing condition.

Revive me Lord!

A Family and Their Tractors

I've been taking photos for Ashley since she was pregnant and she recently asked me to do something different... The whole family was in for Mother's Day and they wanted pictures of everyone together... oh... and add two tractors into the mix as well. This was definitely a bit of a stretch for me but if we never get outside our comfort zone we never grow!

It was a bit tricky because one tractor was smaller than the other and we were on a slight downhill. Also... several small kids is always a challenge. But I like the shots I got. It's also the day I came home and ordered a new camera haha. One just KNOWS when it's time. :)

It was a cold, overcast, wet day but we got it in!

 

 

Numb

Some days are harder than others.

My heart still hurts but there are easy days. However, there are also the days that are full of random reminders. Today is one of those days.

And honestly, I've been feeling quite numb lately.
Passion... What's that?
Dreams... huh?
People... I'd rather be alone. It's easier.

And not so weird. What IS weird is that so many know but no one ever talks about it. ELEPHANT!

Or maybe none of it ever happened?
Kind of feeling like instead of living the dream I was IN a dream.

Speaking of dreams... the other night while I was up every hour with Liza because she was sick... in those moments that I did fall asleep I was constantly dreaming that I tattooed the word HOPE on my left ring finger. Kind of made me want to go do it for real.

Anyways...

I know I should just get into the Word of God. That I should spend loads of time with Him. But I can't seem to get past the numbness. I look at my Bible and feel "eh". I love God! I really do. But I'm numb. I talk to God but all I have is questions. Angry questions.

I'm stuck.

How do I move past this place?
How do I get back to feeling something other than pain?
How do I get back to hope?
How do I get back to life?

 

 

Baby Geese

Last Thursday Jason and I dropped Liza off at school and headed to Succop Conservancy for a photo shoot. (Jason is a super duper assistant and I always pay him for working with me. It's kind of fun. :)) As we pulled in the drive we spotted baby geese so we quickly pulled over, jumped out of the car and grabbed the camera.

Of course they waddled off pretty quickly.

We didn't have time to chase them since we were there for work. But we did have time after the shoot so we headed back to the pond to find those baby geese.

They were swimming away from us so we ran along the path that went through some woods and around the pond so that we could follow them. It turned into a really sweet time with my Jason. Holding hands, running through the woods, chasing animals... stuff boys like. :)

We got hissed at by the parents a few times for getting too close. So weird that geese HISS!

And how can the babies be so cute and the parents... umm... not so cute?

Of course all this means is more poop around the pond this summer. Fun stuff.

Mother's Day Tea

Soooo... I'm a little behind on posting about the special Mother's Day Tea that Liza's class had for all the moms but it was too much fun and way too cute to not share. So I'm doing it now... even though Mother's Day is long gone.

Mike was gone for work and Jason had spent the night at his grandparents so it was a girls morning at home. We snuggled in bed, had breakfast and tried on our dresses and painted our nails before Liza had to go to school.

I then went to the school at 10:00 for the tea. I knew Liza had been working on some super secret things and couldn't wait to spend some special time with her! 

We got to ice and top our own cupcakes. Pretty sure that was a highlight for my Liza!

I got gifts. :)

One was breakfast in bed. They put an orange, muffin and tea bags in a brown paper bag... because what mama doesn't like breakfast in bed!? 

Liza also made me this awesome book! I love it and will keep it forever!

In case you can't see what it says...

I think my mom is 33 years old. (She's right.)

My mom's favorite color is purple. (Close... that would be second to pink.)

I like it when my mom cleans for me. (I think she's trying to hint at something!)

My mom makes the best hats. (She drew a picture of a pic that someone sends in after they get their hat.)

My mom loves to lay in the sun. (Yep.)

My mom loves to relax in her living room. (Right again. :))

My last surprise from Liza... 

I had no intention of buying her spring school photos (does your school do fall AND spring?? Craziness!) but it was arranged for her to give them to me as a Mothers' Day Gift. Sneaky sneaky! And she kept it a secret the whole time! And can I just say how much I love them!?!?

 

(Also... what happened to regular school photos!?!? You know... the head shots!?)

I enjoyed watching Liza interact with her friends. They really do like each other a lot!

And there is, of course, her most fantastic teacher! No joke people... best kindergarten teacher EVER! I know this is my only experience with a kindergarten teacher but seriously... give the teach an award!

 

I can't believe my baby girl is about to graduate KINDERGARTEN!!