Saturday, June 6, 2009

What's wrong with me?

I often ask myself this question... especially as friends continue to go. (As opposed to coming.) Where do I go wrong? What is so bad about me that people just stop coming around?

I don't know if there is really an answer or ever will be. And I will never know what is causing all the going until someone decides not to be a coward and values our friendship enough to sit me down and say "Hey Laura... when you act like this it makes people feel like this." Or something like that anyways.

It gets kind of frustrating and makes me want to quit trying... but I am not a quitter and I HATE to lose. So I keep trying.

Yesterday as I was thinking about all this stuff I remembered a dream I had not too long ago....

The dream:
I was out hiking and enjoying myself... until a group of people I thought were my friends came along the trail. EVERYONE was there. Everyone had been invited.... everyone but me. I caught up with one of the girls and said that I was sad and hurt that no one had called because I would have loved to have been invited along and thought that I would have really enjoyed hanging out with all of them. And the girl said something like "Actually Laura we all have more fun without you."

I woke up almost in tears. It felt so real and I think it is a real fear of mine that one day I will be out alone and run in to everyone laughing and having fun without me. Pretty sad huh.

I know I have a strong personality and can be difficult sometimes... but isn't that true for all of us? Don't we all have our faults and weaknesses? People seemed to like me more when I was hard, broken and bitter. When I was calloused and unforgiving. Today I would like to think that I am much more caring, accepting and forgiving. Strange that it doesn't seem to be working for me!

Anyways... I'm just venting. It's probably not all as dramatic as I make it sound and I am not looking for a pity party. I just like to get things out. Share my stories and my struggles. I really am ok. Life happens. And it is happening to me. I'm dealing with it. Taking from it what I can and boxing up the rest, putting the lid on it and leaving it in the past.

Let me just end with this... I do know that I am blessed with a few great friends. And this little group of friends that I do have now... I think what makes it so interesting is that we are all so different. We come from completely different worlds. But we accept each other as we are. We are free to express our thoughts and opinions. And none of us is too easily offended. I think I will just put my focus on the few true friends I have and start letting the others go.

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