Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Gloom and Doom

I've been having this awful feeling the past two days. The feeling that things have been going too well for too long and life is about to fall apart.

I think it's a lie. I mean... I know life happens. Duh. But it's this anxiety that EVERYTHING is going to go wrong. I'm having a complete lack of confidence in myself, my friendships and my abilities.

It's like I'm just waiting for the friendships to fail... because they always do. I'm wondering who is finally realizing that they don't really like me.

I'm doubting my photography and wondering if I will ever get better than where I am at now. Actually it goes further than that... I'm pretty convinced that I'm no good right now. When did that happen? I used to be proud of myself for how far I've come along with it all and by teaching myself.

Insecurity.

I hate it.

For some reason I am only seeing all my flaws and weaknesses lately. That's not like me.

It makes me want to stay in my house and hide forever. Because if I just stay home and hide I can't fail right? Wrong. Very wrong. I fail at not being me and doing all that I was meant to do.

But with hiding maybe there will be less heartache... because there will be less risk. Hiding is safer. I'm good at hiding. (Believe it or not.)

I'm not writing this so that you can all comment telling me how awesome I am. I'm not looking for that at all. Just writing from my heart. Sharing... instead of hiding. Telling you where I am at so that you can pray for me as I fight this gloom and doom. It's a heavy one this time and I know that if I don't fight it and beat it that it will drown me.

I'm off for now... taking thoughts captive and doing some battle. Speaking truth and casting my cares. Getting rest for the weary and refreshing for the soul.

One thing that is certain... every time I am knocked down or set back I come back stronger and more the person God wants me to be. Look out world!

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