Sunday, October 9, 2011

From the Heart

I haven't had a lot to say lately because I'm a bit depressed. It happens from time to time. I'm not super human.

I think it is due to a lot of things happening all at once and me just getting worn out. It happens... the me getting worn out part. I'm not super human.

What's hard is that so many people seem to think that I have it all together.
Laura is strong.
Laura is organized.
Laura is our leader.
Laura should always respond right.

Now, people don't straight out say these things. Well, actually some of them do. People have this idea of me where my world is perfect.

It's not. It never will be. I mess up. I'm not always strong and would love to have others to lean on. I work hard to stay organized and I want to be a follower of other leaders too. And sometimes I respond in an ugly way. I'm not super human.

I don't want to be on any pedestal.

And it's amazing that with everything I share about my life that people still seem to keep me up there.

Anyways... so I'm depressed. Again. It seems to be happening more and more lately and I don't like it. I know that some of it stems from Mike and I having an "issue". It's an issue that we have been having for years and we just can't seem to get to the bottom of it. Every time the issue comes up we argue and cry and have some words. Then we cut off some branches and put it aside and go on living happily... until it comes up again.

Now, don't go getting any ideas. It's nothing awful that would make you say "what or horrible husband/wife." Just issues like every marriage has. An issue that drastically needs to find some change because it's exhausting to keep revisiting it like we have been.

I want to get to the root and rip the sucker out once and for all. I want to be done with it forever. I'm tired of cutting off branches and feeling like that's good enough. I want to kill it. Conquer it. Leave nothing. Finish it.

I don't want to put it away this time. I want to eliminate it.

So... please excuse me if I have puffy crying eyes when you see me. Please excuse me if I look tired a lot... I am. Please excuse me if I don't respond pretty in every situation. I feel like I'm on my last nerve and I have two kids living with me soooo... I'm trying. I'm doing my best. But I'm not super human.

Pray for Mike and I as we beat this thing out. Pray for wisdom. Love. Strength.

And please, if you've had me raised up on a pedestal, take me down. I'm not super human. Just a girl doing life with God. But far far far from perfect.

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