Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Time I Cried "NOT FAIR!"

I know that I can be a bit dramatic and over the top sometimes. I recently told Mike sometimes I just need a few minutes to freak out and then I can breath and think clearly. 

Last night I had one of those little freak outs. And while I can now think more clearly about it the things that led up to it are still very real and still bothering me.


Before I go on let me just say that I blacked the names and pictures out because this is not about those people. I like those people a TON and I know that they care about me and meant well and intended to be encouraging. (If you are reading this please know and understand that this truly is not directed at you. I'm speaking very generally. I love you!)

This is about me. And the problem I have run into over and over again during my long life of 32 years.

Why am I expected to be different?
Why are the expectations that others have of me higher than the ones they have for themselves or others?
Why would it be such a disappointment if I quit something?

I often feel like I CAN'T quit. Because if I do I would let so many down. So many that are looking for me to keep going so that they too can keep going.

That's a heavy burden to carry.

Yet at the same time when I put a frustration like that out there not one person asks how I am doing, how they can pray for me, what's wrong. Nothing. (Who knows... maybe most people didn't even see it.) Maybe that's because they are thinking "Oh... there goes Laura again. Having one of her freak outs." And yes... maybe I am. But like I said at the beginning of this... the things behind the freak out are real, hard, hurtful, or stressful and it could be a gazillion other things that add up to the freak out.

People want me to be a leader. But let me tell you this... being a leader can be a very lonely place. Think of the leaders you have in your life. Now call them, send an encouraging email, drop them a note. DO SOMETHING to let them know how much you appreciate them. Let them know how they have impacted your life. How what they have done or shared has made you a better person. This will give them the strength to go on when they want to quit. It will remind them that every thing they are doing is worth it. The time. The effort. The sacrifices.

I'm not writing all of this so that you all can go write me a note. That's not the point.

But let me actually get back to the point...

I'm human too. Just a girl loving Jesus and trying to live a life centered on God. I need people just like everyone else does. I can't only be a support for others. I need others to be a support for me as well. Some days I don't want to be different. Some days I want to quit. And it's hard to feel like everyone else is allowed to but I'm not.

I know I'm kind of running all over the place here. And I know that some of these things may just be the way I THINK that others think of me. But somewhere along the way, somehow, I came to believe that I HAVE to be different. I HAVE to keep going even when no one else does... because if I don't then who will?

Who will go on when no one else will?

You?

If not you, then don't expect it of others.

That's just not fair.


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