I mentioned before that I had some tests run. I'm trying to figure out what is causing the constant tiredness. The "blah" that seems to always be there. I'm tired of trying to fight it off and just want to know what's going on.
No call from the doc after the blood work which means the tests for thyroid, b12 and anemia all came back normal. Mike watched me sleep for a while and nothing seems to be off there. That leaves one other thing that the doctor mentioned...
Ugh! I hate the thought of it but it actually makes sense... even though I don't want it to. I don't want that "disease".
Disease = dis ease. :(
Gosh... this is turning in to quite the depressing post haha. Sorry about that! But seriously... I don't want to live life depressed. That is not the best life. Doc says he could get me on medication and I would be feeling awesome again in no time. No thanks. I'm not that far off yet. It's definitely manageable. And I'm going to trust Jesus. (I am not against medicating for depression. Just so ya know. Just talking about me and my choices for now.)
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
I want a full life.
I can not let depression win. I will NOT let it win.
But some days are harder than others.
Today I woke up and even though nothing was "wrong" I just didn't want to do today. I wanted to stay in bed. Sleep. Read a book. Ignore every thing and every one. I didn't want to have to deal with my kids. I didn't want to have to eat well. I didn't want to DO anything. But sleep. And escape to somewhere other than my own life... even though it's good.
And that is how it just is for me some days.
But what I WANTED to do is not what I did. Instead, I chose to do what I NEEDED to do. I got up. I faced the day. I ate a good breakfast and then I did some exercise. Did I feel great when I was done? Nope. I still felt quite blah and still do. But I didn't hide. I didn't escape. And that's a step in the right direction.
I ate a good lunch. Read a good book (Made to Crave... not some novel to escape with). And now I am sharing my struggles. (Believe it or not I was accused of appearing to have it all together recently. Riiiiight.)
Every decision for me today is a hard one. A struggle. I have no motivation. It would be so easy to go hide in a hole and not come out until tomorrow. Those things that call my name are constant... like that bad-for-me food. Bottom Dollar Foods opened today and since Mike was one of the first so many customers he got a free bag of food... pre-selected of course. In it was everything that I am currently avoiding... chips, more chips, cookies, white bread (which actually makes me feel gross thinking about it these days), syrup, pop, graham crackers. Yeah. Sitting in my house on a day that this comfort eater is feeling down. Not good! I was feeling snacky not too long ago and yelled "MIKE! GET THAT FOOD OUT THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW!"
Thankfully I have an awesome husband that knows my struggles and even though he may not understand them in that moment he made a decision that was completely for me and me only. Because he still eats that stuff. He likes that stuff. But he got it out of the house immediately.
Saying no to that junk that gives me "comfort" for a moment was incredibly hard. But I'm not believing the lie anymore. Food won't ever make me feel whole and complete. Only God can do that.
And those baby carrots were much better for me anyways. :)
So yeah... some days are definitely harder than others.
But the feeling of victory is always worth the hard fight through the struggles.
Today might be a hard day... but depression will not beat me.