I knew I was buying a smokers house. I knew that could be a bit of a problem. But... when God says "move here" you MOVE HERE. And we did. And last night I lost it and I'm not gonna lie... I'm a bit frustrated and angry with God today.
Don't get me wrong here... I still love God and I still love my house. Well... all of it but the kitchen. The kitchen makes me want to throw things and spend my emergency fund... because it's really starting to feel like an emergency to me.
We got the house and the first thing that was done was a good scrub down of the kitchen. I never noticed the smell... just the cat hair. (gag)
And then I moved in. I noticed the smell in the cupboards around the sink. It was bad. I haven't used those cupboards yet. But I needed to get stuff out of boxes so I could use it and cook and not waste all my money eating out. I shoved everything into the other half of the cupboards we have and I could deal with that.
But the smell in those has only gotten worse.
And yesterday I lost it.
I pulled out one of my metal water bottles, filled it up with water, went to take a drink and gagged. It smelled just as bad as the cupboards. My stuff is starting to smell like I'm a smoker. I threw all four metal water bottles out and without hesitating I pulled everything else back out of the cupboards.
My kitchen is now looking like this again...
I can live with a lot... but I can not live with this kitchen. If I have to live with this kitchen much longer I'll be eating out every night and that's a waste of money.
I was looking at getting the unfinished cabinets at Lowes because that's an affordable answer. I'd be just fine doing the work and I would do it well... because if I am going to do something I am going to do it right. I had it all priced out and finally had some time to get on the internet to read reviews. Seems like it was only negative things said about pretty much anything relating to cabinets from Lowes and Home Depot.
That's when I got really discouraged and I sat here and cried. And cried.
I don't know what to do. I can't get the smell out of my cabinets. It's not leaving. Therefore I can't use them. If I can't use them all my kitchen stuff will have to remain in boxes and I just can't spend a year like that while hoping that someday I'll be able to afford real cabinets. (It might help if Mike was actually working.)
A new kitchen has become a need that I did not plan on having. The plan was to keep these old, ugly cupboards until we paid the house off. THEN we would consider re-doing the kitchen. That plan no longer works. I want to throw things every time I walk into my kitchen because I hate clutter and it's a cluttered mess. And there isn't much that I can do about it.
I know I'm doing a lot of complaining today but I'm allowed to have a day where I lose it right?
I wrote that over an hour ago. The truth is that sometimes my processing can be messy and ugly. And I have to process so I can get that out of the way and think clearly.
I skipped church this morning. I was tired. I wanted to get my house cleaned up so I could actually relax in it. While I cleaned I put in a message by John Bevere and just let myself calm down and not obsess about my smelly, unusable cupboards for a half hour.
And here is what I now know... I DO know what to do. I need to pray and trust God. He brought me to this house therefore HE will have an answer to my problem... and I don't believe that that answer is living with a boxed up kitchen for the next five years.
I'm not going to rush and solve this problem on my own. I'm going to give God some time. That doesn't mean that you'll find me happily singing in my kitchen while trying to cook in the chaos. I'll likely still be kicking pans and saying "I can't STAND this smell!"
James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I am not at all joyful about the smelly, unusable kitchen cupboards... however I CAN be joyful about the fact that if I trust God in this situation that my faith will grow and mature and I will be closer to "not lacking anything". I CAN be excited about knowing that if I trust God in this situation that I will see him provide for us in amazing ways.
God has a better solution to my problem than I do. I'm going to get out of the way. Will I still have days where I want to cry about the kitchen? Yep. (I live in extreme emotions. It's kind of crazy sometimes.) But... when I want to cry hopefully I will remember to continue trusting God and waiting for a wise answer from Him.