Today is a better day.
The hurt is still there.
The numbness still lingers.
But my mood isn't so dark.
I'm certain it will be up and down for a while. My blog feels like it is all over the place lately... hey, look at these pictures!, let me share a happy time with the kids, mylifesucks, hey! here are more happy pictures! That's my life at the moment.Very roller-coaster-ish... and I hate roller-coasters!
I also want to let you all know that I am not questioning who God is. This morning I was getting ready and the song Jesus Loves Me popped in my head.... this I know, for the Bible tells me so. And that's that. Jesus loves me. The Bible says so and the Bible is all true and therefore I believe it... and I do know it. And I know he has great plans for me... those plans are just hard to see right now.
I know that something great will come out of this valley. I've been saying that to Mike even as I realized I was slipping off the edge of the cliff. But that doesn't make this time any easier.
And so while I run at God with fists swinging some days...
While I ask my angry questions...
While I often sit here with nothing to say to Him...
He still loves me.
He never leaves me.
He lets me get it all out.
Too often in my life I have been told I am too much... but that is never something that God has said to me. He can handle me and my crazy emotions. (Not that I don't need to work some of those crazy emotions out... He just isn't going to run from them like so many people have.) When I run at him swinging he grabs me up in a bear hug and holds me as I release it all.
He tells me again he loves me.
He tells me he is so sorry that I am hurting.
And then he just sits with me in the quiet... just being there.
The prayer that sits in my heart today is "revive me."
Revive means to return to life, consciousness, vigor, strength, or a flourishing condition.
Revive me Lord!