Thursday, May 9, 2013

The Desert

Before I really get into this post I want to be clear that my family is still intact. Mike and I may have had a disasterous year of marriage but I still love him and he is a rock that keeps me grounded. My best friend. This post is not about my marriage. Just didn't want anyone getting the wrong ideas.

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We're all friends here right? Good. Then you won't mind if I am completely honest and transparent.

Here's the deal...

I'm not happy.
I hate this place I am in.

Years ago I was at a church service and there was a man there praying for people. When he prayed for me he told me that God gave him a picture of who I was... I was a girl with bubbling streams of life giving water flowing out me that affected those around me.

In essence... A hearty overflow.

But right now? Right now I feel like a dessert. Dried up. Parched. Desperately in need of an oasis.

It's driving me nuts.
I'm the silver lining girl.
I can find the good in just about any situation.
I'm not a Debbie Downer, Negative Nancy.
I'm that annoyingly cheery girl who can always find a reason to laugh.

But instead I find myself trying to gather up the pieces of a broken heart.
Shattered dreams.
Exhausted from another sleepless night.

I try to talk to God about it but all I can get out are things like...
Really God!? What was THAT about?!?!
Way to pull a fast one on me.
Don't ever use me like that again.
You can just find someone else next time.

Thankfully God understands my hurt and can handle my crazy.
My rants with him often lead to tears.
He knows I'm operating out of hurt but that doesn't scare him.
He stays.
Always.
Comforting me.
Leaving out all of those fluffly Christian sayings.
Really not saying anything at all right now.

Instead he is loving me with actions.
Moments meant just for me.
Details in my days that let me know that he really is there, he really does care.

But it's still hard.
And it probably will be for a long while.
Too many constant reminders of the dreams that are no more.

It's interesting that just three months ago I was sitting in this same spot writing about how I was so content and my heart was full. Since then it feels like I've been through a tornado, earthquake AND hurricane.

I hate that this is what I have to talk about. I know that blogs like this aren't the most fun to read. I wish I had better things to speak of but I promised myself years ago that I would not be a fake. That I wouldn't paste on a happy smile if inside I felt like I was dying. I can't pretend that everything is ok because right now everything is definitely not ok. It will be again someday but I can't ignore the things happening in my life. And I'm sure it won't be the last time I write about it. So if your looking for happy, fluffy, life-is-amazing blogging you might not find that here for a while. But if you stick around I know that you will find a story of healing, trust, restoration and new beginnings... because that's how my God works.

And now that I got that all out I'm going to try to fall asleep again. Thanks for listening if you actually read this far.


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