Monday, June 24, 2013

Waking Up

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I feel like I am FINALLY waking up.
I've been really down for the past two months. Depressed. Somewhat hopeless. Angry.
There has been a lot of stress, a lot of hurt, a lot of uncertainty.

I've been grieving.
Grieving the loss of hopes and dreams.

The grieving process is important. I looked up how it usually goes and I know that this talks about death and usually that refers to human death... but I find it also applies to grieving the death of dreams. The five stages are:
1.  Denial and Isolation.
     -I don't think I was in denial but I am definitely good at isolating myself.
2. Anger
    -I think it would have been strange if I hadn't experienced any anger. I don't think I'm quite as
    angry anymore but there was definitely some time there where I was. I needed to be. I needed to be
    honest about how I felt and honest with God.
3. Bargaining
    -I don't know that I actually made any bargains with God but I did tell him things like "I'm never
    doing that again." Or "You can just find someone else to do your work." Or "Leave me alone."
    Thankfully he understands when we speak out of hurt and still continues to do what is best for us
    despite ourselves.
4. Depression
    -I definitely had a good dose of that and still do some days. But it's less and less.
5. Acceptance
    -This is where I currently find myself. Not a place of great joy and happiness... but acceptance.
    Calm. Still a bit withdrawn.

I'm processing. I'm still working through it all. But I feel like I've had a bit of a breakthrough... like my hand finally felt the top edge of the pit. There's been a breath of fresh air. Life. Hope.

And along with it all... new dreams. Inspired ideas from God. I'm excited about a vision he has given me for a photography project. If I can make what is in my head and my heart happen it will end up being an amazing piece of art... something far beyond anything I have ever accomplished with photography. It will have great meaning and be very symbolic of what I have been going through in recent months.

God is good.
And it's when we go through the trials and hard times that we find out how good he really is.

I am so blessed by my God and my friends.
God has been true to his word and never left me.
And my friends... there are several who know the details of my life and didn't run when they realized how messy my life was. They were there for me every step of the way... listening to my angry rants, letting me go through the grieving process, praying for me, not allowing me to put too much distance between us as I attempted to isolate myself. Friends who still wanted to be around even though I didn't bring my silver linings and buckets of laughter for a while.

I am blessed.

Psalm 143:8 is such a good verse. God has shown me his unfailing love... constantly and I do trust him.

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