Sunday, August 4, 2013

Seasons of War

Have you ever walked into a store just browsing and then were drawn to something and you just had to buy it? That was me yesterday while at Family Christian Stores. I noticed their sale table for music and was looking to see if there was anything there that I would want. I noticed a cd by some guys I had never heard of. I picked it up. I put it down. My eyes kept being drawn to it... so I bought it.

Usually when something like this happens there is a reason. The Holy Spirit is in me... guiding me. (I'd apologize around now if I was actually sorry for sounding spiritually freakish but I'm not sorry... I believe in the spiritual... a lot. Not that every purchase is spiritual of course...) Anyways...

The cd is Crave by For King and Country and the song that got me is called Broken Heart (Hold on to Me).

It's been a tough week. My heart hurts. It's part of life. I just wish that it wasn't such a BIG part of my life lately. I could use a break. Well... I get breaks. Lots of days are really good but my heart isn't healed from the pain of the past year yet. It kind of comes in waves... and this week had me down.

The song... it had me in tears as I drove home from my day out shopping.

Winter has come back again
Feels like this season won't end
My faith is tired tonight
And I won't pretend...

I've got a busted heart
I need you now.

Hold on to me
Hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Those words... that is where I'm at. I find myself not necessarily voicing it in the same way but just hoping that God is holding on to me because some days I just don't have the energy to care like I should. Some days I find my heart becoming hard and walled up. Some days I find myself becoming bitter.

And I just don't have the energy to face those things and fight them off.

But I don't want to be hard and guarded and bitter.
It's exhausting being those things...
But it's exhausting fighting them off as well.
And I'm tired.
And I don't like to pretend.
My life is a mess.
My HEART is a mess.

I need God to hold on to me.
But I also know that I need to keep fighting and holding onto him.
I need to rely on his strength.
His promise.
His love.
His grace.

"It doesn't matter whether you want to be in a spiritual battle or not--you are in one. The battle is between good and evil, and you are the prize."
~Dr. Charles F. Stanley

Please pray for me... I'm in a tough place.

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