Friday, October 25, 2013

My Life is a Mess

I'm tired. Exhausted. Depressed. I have been for a while. 2013 has not been my year. Actually, I don't think 2012 was either. I don't really know a good way to share the things I'm about to share but I've decided it's time to just put some things out there. Mike has told me he is ok with that. I'm tired of keeping it all in. Of course, it's all a bit humiliating to share as well which is why I haven't spoke about it much to anyone... but it's exhausting to keep it in. So I figure I might as well be humiliated and exhausted together... at least then you will all know what my problem is when I seem tired and depressed all the time.

It's my marriage.
My marriage sucks. It's awful.
Has been for a long time.

Things had been up and down for a while (what marriage isn't?) but about a year and a half ago I found that Mike was looking at porn again. :( Most people know that he grew up addicted to porn but he had quit before we got married. Nine years without it. I had no idea it would find it's way back into his life like it did and I had no idea how devastated I would be when it did.

Now... to his credit he didn't let himself get sucked back into the world of porn for long... but the damage was done. My heart broken and crushed. I feel betrayed. Trust has been lost. And it's been a hard road to walk since.

I think there are several reasons that I have hesitated to share.
1. Shame. It sucks to have to admit that my husband was looking at porn.

2. Someone will probably read this and think "what's the big deal? So he looked at porn. So what. Get over it." I'll never understand how some women just don't care that their husbands look at porn. It is a big deal. It destroys people on all ends... those in the porn, those who look and those who are attached to those who look.

3. Most things I've read about porn addiction talk about how the spouse needs to be supportive. How the person looking at porn already feels enough guilt and shame and doesn't need the spouse adding to that. Basically what I hear when I read stuff about porn addiction is that I need to just suck it up and deal because HE needs my support and blah blah blah. It all makes me want to scream "WHAT ABOUT ME!!?!?!? I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS! WHO'S GOING TO SUPPORT ME IN WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH!?!?"

4. Someone who has never had a problem in their marriage is going to get all spiritual on me and tell me it's time to forgive and move on... as if I haven't been working toward that... and it will make me want to punch them in the face.

Just know that there are reasons why it has been extremely difficult to move past all this.

So there ya go. If I haven't seemed to be myself lately that's why. Sometimes I cope well and sometimes I don't. Lately I haven't been coping at all. I'm stuck in anger. I'm living life through heartache. I struggle to find a bit of hope. I'm terrified at how devastating one more winter will be to our marriage. I wonder if we will survive this.

I'm now I'm going to hide all weekend... or longer... because everyone knows my issues.

I hate porn. My marriage sucks. The end.





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