Saturday, October 26, 2013

To Be Fair...

After my last post I shared the link to FB like I always do and I wrote "Don't judge me." I didn't want to be judged because of my issues or the way I am not coping or for sharing about things so publicly.

Honestly... I was overwhelmed by the amount of support and encouragement that came rolling in. I never know how people are going to respond to some of the things I write and it's a little scary to be so open about my life sometimes. But... when the emails start coming in and people start sharing their own stories and their own pain... and some shared how they have overcome the same kind of situation and found their way back to good... when that starts happening I know that sharing was the right thing to do.

However... I want to be fair to Mike as well and ask that you not judge him either.

There are some facts and one of them is that he is a good man. His heart is good. I couldn't ask for a better person to be dad to my kids. He treats me well and in my anger I have not been so good to him yet he sticks around because he knows he made a huge mistake and he wants to make it right.

Yes... he hurt me when he looked at porn BUT he did not look at porn to hurt me. It doesn't necessarily make it easier for me to deal with but I want you to know that he isn't a bad guy. He just made a really big mistake. And if we all get honest for a moment we too have to admit that we have made some big mistakes in our lives as well.

Even though I sometimes wonder how things will ever work out between us I don't want my marriage to end. Yes... my marriage currently sucks. BUT I know that ending it would suck even more. For one, I'd have to get a real job and work. Sorry... maybe this isn't the time to be making jokes... but joking is how I deal with hard things and maybe the fact that I can make a joke is a sign that even in the midst of all the pain I am still me and maybe there is a sliver of hope somewhere in there.

But really... ending my marriage isn't the answer. I know that. Maybe some time apart so we can truly sort through things instead of sitting around the house stewing in anger because we can't get away from each other would be good. (I'm dreaming up a month long road trip for myself this winter in case Mike doesn't find a winter job.)

I know things aren't going to turn around overnight.
I know we have a long way to go.
I imagine things can't get much worse than they are.
Pretty sure we are at bottom.

This is where we get to decide if we really meant it when we said marriage is forever. Yes, we may be miserable now but it is of our own making. Walking away won't fix things... we'll just carry our issues to our new relationships. SO... here we are... at bottom... doing an awful lot of fighting as we try to find our way through the pain. If Mike was continuously looking at porn and not in any way repentant about it I might think leaving is the right thing. But that's not the case here. It was a few days of looking at porn (I'm not justifying anything) and he is sorry that he did it and has set up boundaries and is building a support system for himself. He is taking steps to overcome and be victorious in this area.

Is it hard to trust that this won't all just happen again in the future? Yep.
Is it really hard to get past the pain of what has happened? Yep.
Is my God bigger than my problems? Yep.

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