Back in the spring when things got a bit crazy I packed up my bags and left. I drove until I didn't want to drive anymore and then found a hotel and stayed for two nights. I didn't take a cell phone and I didn't tell anyone where I was or when I was coming back. I needed to get away... escape for a few days. Figure out what I wanted to do.
I came home and told Mike I would stay IF he gave up all use of the computer (I didn't want to have to worry about things) and went to counseling. He is an introvert and needs someone to help him dig down and get to the root of things. He needs help processing and communicating what he is processing.
Me? I process naturally. I talk. Talking helps me sort through things. I usually figure if I talk long enough I'll figure it out. :)
So we spent the money on Mike because he needed it more.
A little over a month ago I finally went along with him. That was my first counseling experience and I really appreciated when the guy looked at me and just said "I can tell you'd rather be anywhere but here and that's ok. Thanks for coming anyways." Honesty. Bluntness. I liked it.
But I didn't go back.
You see... People always use onions to talk about anything with layers. We peel onions in layers... and we always HEAL in layers. When I went to counseling with Mike I didn't really learn anything that hadn't already been spoken in some way during our years of marriage. However... it did reopen wounds and show me that I haven't healed as much as I thought I did... and in some areas maybe not at all.
Counseling left me feeling quite raw and that's when things between me and Mike took another nose dive.
I started admitting more and more how much I was stuck in anger, bitterness and the lack of forgiveness. I've been operating through heartache for far too long and I'm just exhausted. I'm broken. But I can't stay in this place... it's just not in me to do that. No matter how much I just want to give up the fight I CAN'T. I don't know how to quit.
So I opened up to EVERYONE and shared all my mess and one of my pastors read it and suggested that I go see the counselor that works at the church. Ok. I made an appointment even though I didn't really want to. Friday morning I went... a bit skeptical and uncertain. Could someone really help me? Would they just sit there analyzing me and then tell me what most of us already know... that I'm just a bit too crazy?
But you know what! It wasn't like I thought it would be at all. I walked in and it felt like I was sitting at Panera talking to a friend... sharing my heart. I got to just spill the entire story... all the details that I'm too ashamed to tell others. I wasn't judged or analyzed or told I was crazy. Instead I had my feelings validated. That alone was helpful to the healing process.
She also had some suggestions that I think will be helpful to me in finding closure with some people I need to find closure with. She suggested I write letters... ones I might not ever send or share with anyone. But write. Tell them what I need to tell them. Let it all out.
I'm going to do that. Some of those letters I might share. Some I'll probably put on paper and burn when I am done. But I'm going to write.
And I'm going to go back to the counselor again in two weeks.
I want to get better.
I don't want to live with this anger, bitterness and unforgiveness.
It's no fun.
I want life to be fun again.
So I will do the work to get back to that place.
In the end I'll be a better me and I look forward to that.