Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Living Again

What do you do when the negative track is on repeat in your mind?

You know... the one with all of those negative things about yourself that people have said to you in the past?

You're opinionated.
You're too much.
Maybe you'll understand the kind of fellowship God intended when you get to heaven.
You're not a good friend. 
You aren't worth it.
I think you are bipolar.
You're not good enough.
You're a problem.

This week I find myself struggling with depression, insecurity and anxiety. In the midst of everything that is good... and that's most of my life... I continue to hear things that have been said to me in the past. Things that cut deep wounds. Wounds that are still healing.

I think these hurts and insecurities are popping back up because I'm trying to move forward.

A little over a year ago I just quit. I walked away from everything that I was involved in. I declared it a year of rest. It was needed. I was hurting. And tired. And wanted to be alone and not have extra responsibilities for a while.

It was a much  needed year. But I'm ready to live again. To be me... and ME... well I'm not someone to just sit around and let life pass me by. I'm not someone to be uninvolved. And so I told myself I would find some things and slowly get involved. But my heart woke up and I remembered how much I love being a part of things and I find myself attached and involved... and afraid.

Afraid of being too much.
Or not enough.
Or simply just a problem.

The negative track is on repeat.
Reminding me of the past.
Of the risk.
Of the pain.

And as that negative track runs on repeat, as I stand on the edge debating whether or not I should jump and yell "I'm all in!"... I find myself asking the question...
Is it worth it?
Is it worth the risk of the pain that could come?

The answer is a loud and clear YES!
It will be worth it.
The risk is great and there may be pain... but it will be worth it.
My life will be richer because of it.
Take the risk.
Go all in.

Live it well.

I know it won't be easy. I know I'll still struggle with overcoming and silencing the negative track that runs through my mind from time to time. I know there will be days where the risk has me wanting to run. I know this isn't the end of the insecurity and anxiety... but it is the beginning of living again.

I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.
~Ecc 3:12

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