On Sunday, while at church, I was listening to the words of a song. It was about trust... Trusting God. And I realized that I trust God... but not really.
I used to trust God completely.
And then I got hurt.
By many people.
All within a short amount of time.
My heart felt shredded.
I cried often... and hard.
I became angry with God.
I was shouting angry questions at him.
IS THIS REALLY ALL YOU HAVE FOR ME? THE BEST!? HA!
WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME TO DO THAT THING IF YOU KNEW THE OUTCOME WAS THIS!?
I even went as far as telling God not to ask anything of me for a long time.
And you know what... I realized that he hasn't.
He sees me.
He knows me.
He holds the pieces of my shredded heart.
And he gives me time to heal.
He has never left.
He can handle my anger and distrust. I'm not saying he likes it or is that he is ok with me staying here. He's not! He wants more for me. He HAS more for me. But in order for me to find what he has in store for my life I need to actually trust him again.
Really trust him.
In the past two years life has dealt me more than I can handle. I am emotionally drained and my stress level is far too high. I miss the feeling of peace.
Perhaps it's my distrust of God that has lead me to a place of little peace.
Perhaps it's my need to control in order to keep my heart safe.
All I know is that I miss it.
I miss a life of trusting God completely.
I need to learn to trust him again.