Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Depressed

The question I have been asked often in the past week is...

How are the kids doing with school?

It's a question that makes sense. Our school across the road was closed and we were put into a new one. A much bigger one. One a little further away from home. One with new-to-us teachers and new-to-us friends. The kids are riding the bus for the first time instead of walking to school. Everything is new.

And the answer to the question is...

The kids are doing just fine.

I took them to the school a few times in the month before school started and we walked around and got used to it and learned where things were. We went to both nights of open house since Jason's teacher was there on night one and Liza's on night two... and we stayed for the full hour and fifteen minutes both times... just getting used to being there. We did play dates at the school playground with kids who already had been going to school there.

I set Liza and Jason up to transition successfully.

The kids are fine with school. Except recess... if you ask Jason about recess you will see a disappointed kid who thinks the playground is overcrowded. He doesn't enjoy having to wait in line to do things.

But the kids are fine.

What few people are asking is...

How are you doing with the school change Laura?

And the answer to that is...

I'm not doing fine at all. 

I'm depressed. I hate it. I feel like I don't belong. It's not my school.

MY SCHOOL is closed.

I went from a school where I was involved.
A school where I knew many of the kids and their families.
A school that knew they could call on me when they needed help... and they did call.
I was a part of MY SCHOOL.

But now I'm in a new school... and it's not my school.
They do not know they can call on me for help.
When my kids talk about their friends I have no idea who they are. I don't know what they look like or who their parents are.
Someone is already doing everything I did at my school.
I am not needed.

I went from being a part of something... to being a nobody. And I don't know if I have the energy to work my way in again. I don't know if I care to start again.

And every morning when I walk out the door with the kids and we turn to the right instead of the left, I feel like I am going the wrong way.

When I get home from the morning bus stop... I just leave again... because it's too quiet. It's too weird. It's too different.

I miss the kids from my school.
I miss them stopping at my house in the morning.
I miss hearing them at recess or gym.
I miss their smiles and hugs.

And I miss seeing my friends at pick up every day.
I miss stopping to talk for fifteen minutes while our kids play.

I miss everything about my school.
And while I know this new school is just as good and I know my kids will make good friends and be just fine... I don't know when I will be ok. I don't know if I'll ever adjust to it. I don't know if I want to.

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