Friday, October 30, 2015

Funny Faces

Jason decided to be an old man for Halloween. It's pretty fabulous because it's really simple to pull of... and he rocks it. I mean... he even looks like he has some missing teeth!

And the mustache... when this kid wears a mustache it's just the most awesome thing ever! Then we added glasses and my heart exploded a little bit. I had to pay him a dollar to get him to let me take some photos but it was totally worth it!

Enjoy. :)












Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Two Van Fam

We bought a van... a second van. The car is dying a slow death and has been since we bought it. But we got enough time out of the car to save up to get another van, so it worked out alright.

The car will go to the junkyard, and we will have our two vans that will hopefully last us for quite a few more years.

The new van is an '08 Honda something. If you want details you will have to ask Mike. All I know is that compared to our first van, the second van is huge. It's wider and longer and higher. And the buttons! This van has so many buttons. I think there is a manual that is over 100 pages just for the buttons. Mike says there are five manuals in all. I will let him do the reading and he can just tell me what does what.

It's going to take some getting used to, and I kind of prefer the simplicity of the "old" van. However, I've been pushing buttons and figuring out a few things here and there. I can push a button on the steering wheel and give my van commands... like radio tune to 96.1... and it does it! I can voice command the heat and ac and apparently a long list of other things. I can also ask questions and my van will answer me.

I asked "Who's the boss?" and it simply answered by giving me the time.

Apparently this van does not yet know it's place in the family.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Thank You

When someone gets honest about their life like I did yesterday, one of three things usually happens... at least in my experiences.

1. People can't handle it, get disappointed that you aren't who they thought you were and walk out of your life.

2. People don't want to deal with someone who has a messy life, so they add distance.


3. People offer kindness and support and accept the messy person as they are.

Yesterday number 3 was the response I got. Or at least the only one I noticed. :) Thank you for your kindness, for not preaching at me, for just letting me be upset. I cried as I read many of your comments on my Facebook page or emails that were sent... because they touched a place in my heart that is not yet hardened.

I have good people in my life... and that's what helps me wake up and face the chaos every day. Today I have a little more hope than I did yesterday.

I looked back and found the post I wrote about the time I tattooed HOPE on my finger... so I would have a daily reminder to continue to hope at all times. I had it done during a hard time (that happens to have been during these last three years of hard times).

It's hard to hope sometimes. Hope opens up the heart for hurt and disappointment. But I think a life without hope would be even worse. So today... today I try to hope again.

You can read the full post about why I tattooed hope on my finger by CLICKING HERE.

Monday, October 12, 2015


There are a few questions that I get asked lately by lots of people. Questions I hate to get asked because the answers aren't always easy. And I don't enjoy giving fake, false answers over and over so I'm just going to get honest here. These answers aren't directed at any one person or situation. I'm just trying to reveal my current heart situation so people might better understand me. And just a heads up... it probably isn't going to be pretty.

Question #1... How do you like our school? Or... How do you like your new school?
Most of you know by now that our wonderful school was closed and we were sent to another already existing school... the school I chose not to send my kids to back when Liza was starting kindergarten. The school we moved away from. It is a change I did not want and still don't want but am stuck with.

I don't like our "new" school. Not because it's a bad school, it's not a bad school... but because it is exactly what I didn't want. It's big. Huge. We went from a school of 275 students, a school where we all walked, meaning I got to see my friends every day at pick up. A school where I knew all the teachers and a good amount of the students. A school that felt like a family.

We are now in a school of about 800 students. I feel isolated and disconnected. My neighborhood feels split because everyone on the other side of my house goes to a different school and we rarely see those people anymore. I walk through the halls of the school and have no idea who anyone is. And every day I am faced with my quiet, closed, no-longer-a-school school when I walk out my front door.

But I go to the new school and try to be involved. I am trying to make the best of it... because there is no other option for me. (Please don't tell me to go to private school or homeschool.) I just wish people would stop having expectations of me and my feelings about the school. They will never be what others hope them to be.

Question #2... I haven't seen you for a while, are you still going to our church?
No. No I am not going to your church... because I am not going to any church. I'm mad at God. I have been for a while. And I'm probably not going to get over it any time soon. I don't go to church. I don't read my Bible and I rarely talk to God any more because I'm pretty sure that if I do he will just ask me to get involved in one more thing that will break my heart. My heart can't handle more breaking right now. My family goes to church... one we went to years ago. They love it. I stay home and watch Netflix and crochet.

Yes I still believe in God. But that's about as far as it goes right now.

Question #3... How are you?
I'm not ok... and that's ok. The past three years have been filled with one big heartbreak after another and I'm just kind of done with it. Yes, I know my heart is bitter. I'm aware. I know I'm more negative than most are used to. But I've barely had time to let my heart start to heal from one devastating situation before the next one hits. I feel like life has been pummeling me for far too long.

But there is no rest... there is no one that is going to take care of me but me. And so I wake up everyday and do what I need to do. I hold it together but at the same time I'm always falling apart.

So there ya go. I told you it wouldn't be pretty... but that's how I've been feeling lately.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015


Today my kids got a real life lesson in commitment.

We are in a new-to-us school this year, and with this new school comes new things... like a monthly school skate party at the local rollerskating rink.

Liza and Jason have only been rollerskating once.
They LOVED it!

They started talking about the skate party earlier this week and that's when I had to break it to them... they wouldn't be going.

Because they signed up for soccer and Liza's team practices on the same night. Sure, we could have went to the skate party late, but that would have made for a very busy school night. One thing is enough.

And so... since we have committed to being a part of soccer teams this year we must stick to that commitment first. Today I taught my kids that they don't just drop a commitment because something more interesting came along. It took a while for Liza and Jason to accept this but I think it's a really important lesson for them to learn. When we say we are going to do something, we do it. We only miss if we get sick or something really important, like my brother's wedding, is happening.

There will be more skate parties later in the year that we can go to.

And in the end...
I'm pretty sure Jason had a nice night at home with Mike, and Liza said she had a really fun time at practice and is glad that she didn't skip it for the skate party.

I'm pretty sure we'll be at the next skate party and I'll be skating with my kids... cuz that's how I roll.


Saturday, October 3, 2015

Cold and Rainy... Soccer Goes On!

It was only 45 degrees and raining, but the games still went on.

I'm not gonna lie... I kept checking my email hoping for the one that said "Games are cancelled. Stay home. Stay dry. Stay warm." But it never came, so we got ready, and I headed out the door with Jason for his 8:30am game.

Thankfully the rain stopped for the first half of the game, but just after halftime the rain came and man was it cold! The boys were troupers though and kept playing hard and giving it their all, even though they were wet and freezing. I'm so proud of my team! We may not win... or even score any goals... but they are learning and I watch each individual improve a little more every week!

But let me just talk about Jason for a little bit... because he's mine and I LOVE watching him play!!!

He's 7 1/2.
Second grade.
This is the first time he has played any kind of organized sport.
His first year playing soccer.

When I signed him up I wasn't sure how it would go. Jason is competitive, but I wasn't sure if he would have any skill.

Well Jason surprises me every week.
He's a natural!!!
His mind just knows where to be and what to do.

He plays defense and does really well.
He plays offense and does well there too.

Jason hustles and never gives up. He loves playing the game and I can't wait to see what another year of practice does for him!


And a story that demonstrates that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and secretly makes this former soccer playing mom very proud...

Last weekend we played a team that just outplayed us the entire time. They probably scored about fifteen goals to our none. My boys were exhausted from running after the other time for 50 minutes. We lost and they knew it. When we got home I told Jason that our goal is to improve enough to score on them ONE TIME the next time we play them. He thought that was good... and then he took it up a notch.

When he got home from school on Monday he told me, "I saw a boy at school that was on the other team and I told him that next time it's going to be the opposite!"

Go get 'em boy!!

And please... PLEASE keep wanting to be a soccer player forever!

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