Monday, October 12, 2015
There are a few questions that I get asked lately by lots of people. Questions I hate to get asked because the answers aren't always easy. And I don't enjoy giving fake, false answers over and over so I'm just going to get honest here. These answers aren't directed at any one person or situation. I'm just trying to reveal my current heart situation so people might better understand me. And just a heads up... it probably isn't going to be pretty.
Question #1... How do you like our school? Or... How do you like your new school?
Most of you know by now that our wonderful school was closed and we were sent to another already existing school... the school I chose not to send my kids to back when Liza was starting kindergarten. The school we moved away from. It is a change I did not want and still don't want but am stuck with.
I don't like our "new" school. Not because it's a bad school, it's not a bad school... but because it is exactly what I didn't want. It's big. Huge. We went from a school of 275 students, a school where we all walked, meaning I got to see my friends every day at pick up. A school where I knew all the teachers and a good amount of the students. A school that felt like a family.
We are now in a school of about 800 students. I feel isolated and disconnected. My neighborhood feels split because everyone on the other side of my house goes to a different school and we rarely see those people anymore. I walk through the halls of the school and have no idea who anyone is. And every day I am faced with my quiet, closed, no-longer-a-school school when I walk out my front door.
But I go to the new school and try to be involved. I am trying to make the best of it... because there is no other option for me. (Please don't tell me to go to private school or homeschool.) I just wish people would stop having expectations of me and my feelings about the school. They will never be what others hope them to be.
Question #2... I haven't seen you for a while, are you still going to our church?
No. No I am not going to your church... because I am not going to any church. I'm mad at God. I have been for a while. And I'm probably not going to get over it any time soon. I don't go to church. I don't read my Bible and I rarely talk to God any more because I'm pretty sure that if I do he will just ask me to get involved in one more thing that will break my heart. My heart can't handle more breaking right now. My family goes to church... one we went to years ago. They love it. I stay home and watch Netflix and crochet.
Yes I still believe in God. But that's about as far as it goes right now.
Question #3... How are you?
I'm not ok... and that's ok. The past three years have been filled with one big heartbreak after another and I'm just kind of done with it. Yes, I know my heart is bitter. I'm aware. I know I'm more negative than most are used to. But I've barely had time to let my heart start to heal from one devastating situation before the next one hits. I feel like life has been pummeling me for far too long.
But there is no rest... there is no one that is going to take care of me but me. And so I wake up everyday and do what I need to do. I hold it together but at the same time I'm always falling apart.
So there ya go. I told you it wouldn't be pretty... but that's how I've been feeling lately.