Friday, September 9, 2016

I'm Not the Same Person That I Was Five Years Ago

You know the fantastical fluffy saying, "Let your struggles make you better, not bitter"? Yeah... I failed that one.

I had too many hard struggles in too short a time.
It's left me changed.

I'm not the same person I was five years ago.

My faith is not as pure.
I have a harder time believing in silver linings.
I don't trust as easily.
I hesitate to get involved.
I keep my number of friends very limited.
I am guarded.
The walls that were torn down years ago went back up and have stayed.

This may disappoint some.
I don't care. (See... bitter... not better.)

Life has pummeled me and I decided to stay down for a while instead of getting back up. My heart has been ripped out more times than I thought possible in the past few years... it no longer works quite the same.

I've had purpose ripped away from me,
dreams stolen by a "friend",
passions squashed,
trust abused.

I no longer go to church. (I know. I know... church is the best place to be when you are hurting blah blah blah. Failed that one too.) I don't want to talk to God. I'm afraid that if I do he will ask something of me... and in the end my heart will get broken again... because there always seems to be a trick.  Things that look like blessings always seem to really be burdens.

And I'm exhausted.

In one way, this time of staying down and being less involved in life has become a time of rest. The less I am involved with... the less I have to care about.

I might just stay in this place for a while.
Healing will come some day... but it's going to take some time.
And when healing does come... I still won't be who I was five years ago.

Life has a way of changing us. And right now I feel like I'm going through marriage struggles with life and God.

Let me explain... when we first get married it's a whirlwind of happiness. Our love is pure. Life is good. A fairy tale. And then life happens and disrupts the happy marriage that we know. We may struggle and fight and many don't make it past this stage. But those who do find out that love grows during those times... but it's never the same as it was in the beginning. And while it's not the same, it's better. Deeper. More solid.

So as weird as it sounds... I've left the honeymoon stage with life and God. I'm in the struggle. The wanting to call it quits. (Not literally!) I'm sure someday I'll come back around... and then I'll find myself better instead of bitter. But never the same.

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